On Domination and Mental Illness...
...From the perspective of a mentally ill Domme.
I did My skincare for the third time today; a pathetic attempt at tricking My brain into submitting to itself. I've been trying to do My makeup so I can take photos and confirm sessions. To do My job. But unfortunately, I'm too strong and too smart for My own good. I was a sobbing mess on My bed before I could move onto the primer.
Just thirty minutes before, I was smiling and optimistic. FaceTiming My friend and laughing with My roommate about a TikTok I saw. I was ready to take on the day and make big moves. I had a haircut planned and was so looking forward to the change. But then I checked My emails. I read through a few private messages. That optimism and peace I had initially felt disappeared as though it was all a delusion from the start.
I don't know how to do My job in this state. How could I? I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II, Attention Deficit Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The reason I have a lot of these conditions (aside from the predisposed traits passed down genetically) is the same reason I am a Domme; Because I have been horrifyingly traumatized and abused by men for My entire life. But still, I'm not able to bring that Dominant side to full fruition while I'm in a triggered state as I currently am. While that's a positive overall, it's unsurprisingly proved to make My life even more inconsistent and all the more turbulent.
The 'why' of all of this is not important today, though. What I want to discuss is how very difficult it is to be in this position both willingly and due to necessity while also managing these kinds of disorders. I know I'm not the only one in this space with these kinds of issues. And I know that playtime is reserved for safe and sane headspaces. But I don't want fareweather subs. I want consistent, loyal, obedient, and devoted pets who can recognize when their Mistress needs them the most.
I need a submissive who knows what will immediately cheer Me up and who provides that without hesitation or question. I need a submissive who will understand and obey when I require their presence without the expectation of reaching orgasm. A sub who will worship Me even when I'm in tears and without a stitch of makeup on. A sub who knows how absolutely stunning and incomprehensibly worthy of worship I am regardless.
I know that it's not easy to submit to someone in such a vulnerable state. But I am not just anyone, and I am not an easy Mistress to serve. If easy is what you're looking for, you shouldn't be here. I am worth every single moment of hardship and intensity. I am worth more than any inconvenience or task I may command. I am worth more than what you have to offer. Your sole purpose in life should lie in resolving that discrepancy between us. Make yourself worthy of Me. Prove you're better than the other worms writhing around embarrassingly at My feet. Serve your Mistress correctly; Be there when times are hard.